The Breakfast Wars
by Eeveelover
Summary: (`bout time I uploaded another fic) Get ready folks, here it comes! Let your cereal biases collide as Kain and Millie duke it out in the ultimate early morning mishap! Watch as utter silliness insues in "The Breakfast Wars". [PG for mild swearing]


"The Breakfast Wars" ****

"The Breakfast Wars"

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By: Eeveelover

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Whee, my first Lost Universe fic! ^_^ Whee! Anyway, there always seem to be on going wars between the small drew of the Lost Ship 'Sword Breaker', and this situation is no different; hence the title above. Well, what sort of antics will go on between Kain, Millie and Canal today? 

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Disclaimer is at the end of the fanfic.

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It was early in the morning (they have clocks on the ship, so they know what time it is in the middle of space ^^;;; Dur.), and both Kain Blueriver and Millennium Feria Nocturne (but everyone just calls her Millie) were just now getting out of their beds and heading off to the kitchen. Trouble shooting throughout the large regions of space was certainly a tiring occupation, and their more recent jobs have been more than enough to make the 2 humans of the Sword Breaker's crew fall on their beds with fatigue. Needless to say, neither of them was in any mood to do much of anything.

"So Millie," Kain yawned lazily as he stumbled into the kitchen, "What's for breakfast this morning?"

Millie sat down at the nearest chair and allowed her head to fall straight onto the table, "I don't know. I don't feel like cooking this morning. Sorry Kain."

"Eh, it's no big deal. I was feeling like getting myself a bowl of some good old fashion cereal anyway."

"Cereal? I haven't any of that stuff in a long time. It'd be nice to eat a bunch of those tiny pieces of sugary goodness again."

Kain walked over to one of the cupboards and pulled out a couple of bowls. He shifted to his right a bit to get to the drawer with all the silverware in it, where he then grabbed two spoons. He placed the items on the table in front of his seat and in front of Millie's head. He then walked over to the other side of the kitchen where all the cereal was kept and pulled out a box.

"Ah, they're not passed their expiration date yet!"

Kain grabbed a carton of milk from the `fridge, and then sat back down in his seat across from Millie and proceeded to poor the contents into his small bowl. He took a large spoonful and stuffed it all into his mouth.

"Mmm, nothing like a bowl of colorful Lucky Charms™ to start your morning off right."

Millie lifted her head slowly from the table, and looked at Kain with an odd look, "Lucky Charms…? Oh please, don't be so childish. A cereal with dried marshmallows and a stupid leprechaun as its' mascot is nothing but a silly kids' cereal. Someone like you shouldn't be eating stuff like that."

"Hey, don't dis Lucky! And who said Lucky Charms were just for kids? I can eat them if I want."

Millie stood up from her chair and grabbed a different box of cereal. She poured it and some milk into her own bowl and started chomping down.

"Listen Kain, you need to eat some good classic cereal- like Fruit Loops ™, or Frosted Flakes™, like I'm eating right now! Kellogg's® makes the greatest cereal around. They're classic breakfast cereals."

"What are you talking about Millie? General Mills® makes the best cereal _in the Universe!_ They have the most lovable characters around- like Lucky the Leprechaun™, the Trix Rabbit™, and the Cocoa Puffs KooKoo bird™…thing."

"Kain, think about this for a second. A fruity leprechaun, a depressed and deprived rabbit, and a _KOOKOO_ bird- does any of that sound a little bit wrong? It's sick and twisted! Classic cereal calls for classic characters- like the lovable Tony the Tiger™ and Cocoa the Chimp! And no one can forget that colorful Toucan Sam™!"

"Oh _please_ Millie, get real! Tony the Tiger is nothing but an over-built tiger that stands on 2 legs. What kind of a tiger stands on 2 legs?! And Toucan Sam is nothing but a lame bird that makes awful puns in every commercial, not to mention he has 3 nephews that bare an uncanny resemblance to Huey, Dewy and Louie. And come on- who the hell would love a freaking monkey that wears clothes?"

"I do! Cocoa happens to be a very cute little chimpanzee, and that tee shirt and cap make him even cuter!"

"Monkeys are lame. My gawd, Millie, you have no taste in cereal and their mascots."

"Are you saying that Cocoa Krispies™ is disgusting? It happens to be one of the best cereals manufactured by Kellogg's! It's certainly better than anything General Mills would make! All their stuff is sugar-infested, and not quite as healthy as they claim."

"Don't be an idiot, Millie. Everything has a bit of sugar in it. All of General Mills cereal has 12 vitamins and minerals, with more calcium!" Kain shoved his Lucky Charms box into Millie's face, "See?"

"Oh yeah, well same with Kellogg's cereal!" Millie then took her Frosted Flakes box and stuffed it into Kain's face, "SEE?"

"Pah, so what? I bet Wendell the Baker from Cinnamon Toast Crunch could beat up that stupid Tony the Tiger with his spatula!"

"Oh, so now it's down to the old 'my daddy can beat up your daddy' argument, eh? Well how could a stupid short, fat and _old_ baker beat up the super-charged Tony, huh? He's a freaking TIGER! He'd rip stupid Wendell and his stupid spatula to shreds if he wanted to!" Millie chucked her box of Frosted Flakes at Kain angrily.

Kain caught the box in time, but not without letting a few stray flakes fall out of the open box, "Tony is supposed to be a 'positive' role model for children, so he wouldn't touch Wendell! Wendell on the other hand is one bad-ass of a baker, and won't hesitate to chuck his spatula at the supposed good-hearted tiger in self defense!"

Millie gritted her teeth, she wasn't going to be beat just yet, "And how the hell would YOU know, smart guy? Snap, Crackle and Pop wouldn't mind hearing the bones of that damned baker do just that- SNAP, CRACKLE, and **POP! **The same should happen to you and all your General Mills kiddy-characters!"

"Is that so?" Kain twitched, "Well, you won't be saying that when Chip the Cookie Crisp dog gets a hold of your hiney!"

"Oh, I'm sure~ you'd love to see that! Chip the robber dog? Like anyone remembers him!"

"Of course people remember him, idiot. He's the only one who let's you have cookies for breakfast! I bet no one remembers that stupid frog for that stupid Smacks cereal."

"Then I guess that means you're no one! The only people who do remember him that _aren't_ nobodies are those Kellogg's cereal lovers, which I am! Only Kellogg's would make a cereal made just for a woman, like that one 'K' cereal."

"Made for women? Oh gawd! What do they put in there, anti-PMS chemical stuff or something? I'm sure you could use some!"

"SHUT UP KAIN!"

Kain grinned that totally adorable grin that always makes him look so cool and handsome and- I'm babbling. ^^; Ah hem, Kain grinned, "See what I mean?"

"Argh! That's it, Blueriver! I'll prove to you that Kellogg's makes the best cereal ever! Eat this!" Millie took a large spoonful of her Frosted Flakes and reached over the table to stuff it in Kain's mouth, "How's it taste? Better than that nasty Lucky Charms?!"

Kain gagged and choked, "Augh, Millie!" he spit the soggy flakes out of his mouth and bent over to catch his breath, "What were you _thinking_? You could have choked me by stuffing that stuff down my throat! I couldn't breath at all!"

"Oh please, Blueriver. Don't give me that. I had to prove to you once and for all that Kellogg's makes the best cereal in the Universe, and what better way to do that than force-feed some of that wonderful cereal to you?"

"You don't make people eat things against their own will! Well, how about a little pay back, hmm? Take this!" Kain then took a huge spoonful of Lucky Charms and proceeded to stuff it in Millie's own mouth. He made sure that he didn't cram it down her throat. Kain then leapt over the table and held Millie's mouth shut, so she couldn't spit it out, "Chew it!"

Millie formed a disgusted face, but chewed anyway. She kept chewing until the cereal in her mouth was nothing but a bunch of oat-tasting mush mixed with her own saliva.

"Swallow it, Millie! Swallow it!"

Millie took hold of Kain's hands, and ripped them away from her face. She quickly spat the vulgar mush from her mouth and let it land all over the kitchen floor, "You **JERK**! What was the big idea, making me swallow that nasty stuff! I thought you said you shouldn't make anyone eat anything they don't want to! You're nothing but a big hypocrite!"

"It's called pay back, Millie. If want some more though, I'd be more than _happy_ to share some with you." Kain grabbed his box of Lucky Charms and made a fighting stance.

"If you insist!" Millie grabbed her own box of cereal and got into a fighting stance as well. She was ready for anything Kain would dish out.

Just as Kain and Millie were going to chuck a handful of cereal at each other, Canal appeared on top of the table that separated the 2 quarreling humans. She looked around her kitchen, and steam started to rise out of her head.

"Kaaaaaiiiiiinn…… Miiilllliiiieeee……! WHAT DID YOU TWO DO TO MY LOVELY KITCHEN?!"

Millie and Kain both hid their cereal boxes behind their backs, "… Oops."

"Don't 'oops' me! Just look at this horrible mess you two made. It's bad enough that whenever Millie cooks something the oven always explodes… argh! You two are such big babies, having food fights like this!"

"It was Kain's fault! He made me eat that nasty stuff he dares call 'cereal'!"

"I wouldn't have had to do that if you hadn't tried the same thing first! You _were_ the one who started this whole mess in the first place, Millie!"

Canal stomped her foot on the table, "SHUT UP! It doesn't matter who made this mess, just clean it all up now! If you really want some good cereal, why don't you eat some oatmeal?"

"Eeew, I hate oatmeal! Not to mention that Quaker Oatmeal has the freakiest looking mascot! What's with the old guy? *shiver*"

"Oatmeal isn't cereal Canal, it's… oatmeal." Kain said as he grabbed a broom from the nearest closet in the kitchen."

"It is too. It's hot cereal, and much more nutritious than that cold cereal everyone likes. Why don't you 2 have some?"

Canal some how managed to make a bowl of oatmeal appear over both Kain and Millie's heads, and then allowed them to drop. The oatmeal splattered all over their head, clothes and even the floor. Canal disappeared from on top of the table and reappeared in front of the kitchen doorway.

"Now, I want you guys kiddies to clean up your mess, pronto. Then afterwards you can all come to the bridge and we'll see what other sort of punishment I can issue you to teach you how to behave like good little children. Good bye!"

Canal waved and winked, and then disappeared out of sight. It must be pretty convenient to be a hologram sometimes, huh? Kain and Millie sighed and began mopping and sweeping up their mess. They had another long day ahead of them.

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Let this be a lesson to you out there- it doesn't matter what cereal company you think is better. What's more important is that you don't anger the one who runs your home by making messes with your food. I myself have learned that lesson. I ate my Rice Crispies a little too fast when I was 4 years old, and meesa made a biggie-poo mess all over the table. ^^;;; Eheheheh… But that's not what inspired this fic. ^^; I was eating some Lucky Charms a couple days ago, and when I put the box back in the cereal cupboard, I looked around to see what other cereal we had. I noticed that half of them were Kellogg's cereals, and the other half was General Mills cereals (well, it wasn't exactly half and half. There were some Post cereals in there as well). I then thought that those 2 cereal companies must be in a lot of competition, seeing how both sides have very popular breakfast cereals. I hadn't wrote a Lost Universe fic, and thought that the idea of Kain and Millie arguing over which cereal company made the best cereal would be pretty hilarious. ^^; I sure hope it was a good idea. ^^;

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Disclaimer: I do not own Lost Universe, General Mills, Kellogg's, Post or any other affiliated names. They belong to their respective owners. I am not making any profit from this piece of fiction, nor have I ever intended to.

Please read and review, I would greatly appreciate it! ^_^


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